Selfyontology Final Project Prep

We’re in the last few days of project set-up, right before launching into Selfyontology proper. I’m excited, nervous, and anticipating a lot of personal growth—partly through the power of reflective writing and partly through navigating the vulnerability and ego tug-of-war happening every time I hit “post.”

So I’m using this in-between week—that strange void between Christmas and New Years—to write one final manifesto. To clarify the purpose of this project so I can come back to it when things feel murky or humiliating. A reminder of why I’m doing this in the first place.

To borrow from my homepage:

“Selfyontology is both a personal and public experiment in self-study: A year-long practice of curiosity, raw reflection, sifting the Self through various structures, and documenting findings.”

On the Personal Side

The personal side of this self-study is easier to explain. I want to know myself more closely, love myself more consistently, and show up in my life fully integrated. I see the long paper doll chain of disparate selves within me collapsing—folding into one another with relief—to become one complex, whole Self. 

As a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser, I will admit that part of this is about productivity. The working hypothesis here is this: if I am more whole and integrated, then I will do better. My efforts will more efficiently accomplish what I truly want. Outcomes will be more closely aligned with my values.

Beneath that, deeper, is something simpler. I’ve realized the one truly unique thing I carry through the world is my Self. That’s it. 

The world is enormous and busy with words, deeds, and ideas on repeat. Everything that can be done, worn, said, thought, or created seems to already be out there somewhere, either in time or space. There is nothing new under the sun.

If I look for my purpose or inspiration by seeking gaps “out there” to fill, I’ll find none. There is no great need calling, no undone deed, no unspoken idea that needs me—unless it needs Me, specifically.

Even though the atoms making up my form have already been a million times over thousands of years, there is something new happening. Atoms have never before been arranged and infused quite like right here, right now, to form Me. And whatever that thing is that hasn’t happened before in the world—that undefinable quality that is a one-off in existence—that is why I capitalize the M in Me and the S in Self.

Before I waste it or lose it, I want to fully know my Self. To see clearly, understand closely, love well, and really be her in this one life I get to live.

If I’m created, I was created uniquely Me with intention and purpose—not just as a vessel or through-line, not to erase myself making room for something or someone else. The Creator wanted Me. And I wonder what for?

If I’m here spontaneously, by chance, then what a miraculous surprise. Think how much there is to wonder at, experience, and effect as this little flicker of Self in the grand scheme of the universe! However will I choose?

If I’m an eternal soul here to learn from my first or thousandth human life, then my soul chose *this* one deliberately—this body, this time, this context—to come together as a brand new Self. What am I here to learn?

A year from now, I don’t expect to have answers. But I do anticipate my hypothesis will be proven correct, which means everything I “do” (the asking and seeking answers) will be more wholehearted and fun. After a year of studying the bike, taking it apart and rebuilding it piece by piece, I want to take off and enjoy the ride—lookup up and out, not down.

The Public Part

The public side of this project is inseparable from the personal side. I already know I want to write with impact. And I know I have work to do.

Some of you out there really like my thoughts on motherhood, but there are countless parenthood memoirs already published that are funnier and more insightful than anything I’d think up. 

Some of you have loved my nature-inspired essays, but again—Thoreau and Mary Oliver and a hundred more have already commemorated nature’s beauty in every form of the written word.

Divorce and religious deconstruction stories can be very enticing, especially if the reader can relate, but sometimes I worry the appeal is more about the tea than true impact. For mine, at least. And there are enough impactful, resonant, and healing stories out there already.

There are no gaps in the collective written word that need filling. So instead of searching for my niche that way, I’ll go back to the one true, unique thing I carry at the center of my being—my Self. I’ll write outward from there. 

Maybe after a year of sustained attention—of writing, writing, writing (they say you have to get out a lot of gunk and junk before the good stuff starts flowing)—I’ll find the words and way I really want to write.

Reason #1

So, reason #1 for going public is simple: practice. Writing, calling it finished, and pushing it out into the world to be read and reacted to. I might press “post” on a lot of gunk and junk, but I will trust that eventually we’ll get to a strong flow of the good stuff.

Reason #2

Reason #2 for going public is closer to my heart: I want to create meaningful connection. Like I shared in my last post, one of hardest times of my life taught me that meaningful conversation is one of my biggest motivators. It gets me out of bed on my worst days, and it’s what makes all my best days the best. If we’re intentional about it, the internet can be a conducive space for this kind of connection.

So, I’ll be thinking of this as a conversation. I’ll share, you might respond. I’ll imagine us having coffee or going for a walk and talk. We can share ideas, create meaning, and maybe heal a little, together. 

When this project gets messy, or I regret a post, or I’m tempted to endlessly revise or even quietly delete—this manifesto is what I’ll come back to. 

• I’m here to study my Self, with the end goal of loving her well and being Me more easily in the world. 
  
• I’m sharing it all to practice being seen, to get some reps being okay with my writing being out in the world and subject to the opinions of others.
  
• I’m sharing it all to create connection, which is a built-in motivator for me… and hopefully a positive for a few of you out there too.

That’s it. Here we go. 

Next post is us getting started on the real thing!