Why nurturing your Self is the wellspring of genuine Selflessness.

The more Self-ish you become, the greater your capacity for Selflessness. Sounds wrong, right? Let me convince you.

Defining Selflessness

Part 1. What do we really mean when we talk about someone being selfless? The word Selflessness seems to imply a lack of self, a minimizing or eschewing of self, a banishment of Self. Like, a person’s total capacity of care is a pie and you only have so many slices, so it’s best if you can manage to shrink your self into the teeniest tiniest slice so all the rest can be available for others. 

That teeny tiny slice of Self is not the point. The point is everything else – the big, generous, soul-nourishing parts of the pie. It’s not about being self-less, it’s about being others-full. When we talk about someone being selfless, what we really mean is that they’re FULL of love and care and attention for others. 

Going back to my previous post, the definition of Selflessness we teach the kids is: Thinking about other people’s needs and making sacrifices of time, energy, money, pride, or service to meet those needs.

Being selfless is not about being empty. Selflessness is just a weird word that probably should be rebranded as Othersful.

Selfhood Isn’t Zero-Sum

Part 2. We are not a pie. That metaphor doesn’t work here. Neither our hearts, minds, nor souls play zero-sum games. Less of your Self does not equal more of anything else, that’s not how it works.

As a kid, I remember being taught that less of Me meant more room for God – in my heart, in my life, in my relationships. I believed the smaller I became, the better God could work within me, through me, and the closer I’d be to worthy, pure, useful, and good. I memorized the verses, sang the songs, and prayed and prayed and prayed alone for hours. “Less of me, and more of You.” 

It worked. I shrank. 

I sifted, thinned, broke, and shrank my Self for years, trying to be a spotless window through which Christ could shine light more clearly. Religiously scrubbing dirty splotches of Self from the glass through rituals of reflection, prayer, and service. The problem is that if you follow the logic faithfully to the end, there is no point to your Self. You reach a crisis of belief. 

If less of Me means more of God, why a Me at all? If Christ needs clean glass to shine through, why not break the window and clear the glass completely? Why would God create me, specifically, with the intention that I spend my life trying to erase that same creation?

Even if your story doesn’t involve faith or religious teachings like mine has, many of us have been taught some version of “be smaller, so others can be bigger.” Especially women and girls. You eventually reach the same crisis, the same decision point. What will you decide?

The Me that exists is here on purpose, for a reason. And my Self is the one and only thing I carry in this life that isn’t available somewhere else, from someone else, and probably better. It is a unique thing of value, it matters, and it’s mine.  It is not a pie to be divided, consumed, or used up. 

It’s more like a wellspring. My Self, your Self, is a flow, a pool, a stream, maybe a river. Less of your Self means less of everything, and more of your Self means more of everything. 

Self At Full Strength

Part 3. When decorate your Self into a stained-glass window, the light shines through more beautifully, varied, and arresting. When you twist open the valve and let your Self flow at full-strength, this is when you have the most to give. 

Taking good care of your Self, being intentional about cultivating a clear, strong, and healthy Self is necessary in order to practice a Selflessness (or Otherfulness) that is most impactful. 

Everything multiplies. I have more dedicated and truly available time in my days when I’m living an attuned life, I am present instead of split or disassociated. My energy is fuller, purer, and more sustainable when it comes from a clear source, turned all the way up. I have more money to spare and share when I’ve taken care of business at home and resolved my own financial affairs first. When I try to be generous before addressing my own financial instability, it comes from anxiety instead of abundance and it doesn’t ripple outward in the same clean, joyful way. Before I can sacrifice my pride for a person or a cause, I have to recognize it, hold it, claim it. Finally, the most valuable services I can offer will be things I’m good at, energized by, and able to do long-term while beaming joy.

The more Self-ish you become, the greater your capacity for Selflessness.

You weren’t meant to disappear. You were meant to overflow. 

Did I convince you yet? Tell me why or why not in the comments 💜