My 2 year old son is doing a new cute-bit lately where he enters a room or wakes up or gets into the car or YOU enter the room (basically realizes he’s in any new social moment) and says, “It’s me, Towney! I here!” It’s adorable and we all love it.

Sometimes he’ll even follow up his announcement with clarification, “I not ______ [whoever you are], I TOWNEY.” With a strong eye brow. He’s realizing that he is a person separate from me or sissy or dada or papa, and it’s worth noticing, worth celebrating.

Now maybe it’s a long shot to say he’s realizing his Selfhood because who really knows what’s going on in that still-mushy, mysterious toddler brain. Erik Erikson did have a few ideas about this though, and his Stages of Psychosocial Development indicate that a child at this age (18 months to 3. years) is developing a sense of personal control and independence, often by experimenting with will. Hence, their love for the word, “No!” and all the other weird toddler mind games they play with us.

The helpful video below summarizes it the big questions toddlers are asking, “Is it okay to be me?” They are testing our reactions to them being their own person and if we respond positively, they grow towards autonomy. If we respond negatively or inconsistently, they grow towards shame and doubt.

I would argue that this is the very foundation of Self-discovery. And because he is still unmarred by shame and doubt, I’m blessed with the timely opportunity to watch a version of Selfhood unfolding without second-guessing or embarrassment mucking the whole thing up.

He found this photo of himself the other day at my parent’s house and immediately adored it, carried it around the house, placed it carefully on the leather ottoman and knelt before it, looked at his own face from every angle, and whenever he noticed someone watching him he would point and say excitedly, “It’s Towney at school! It’s Towney.” Pure self-love. And it was precious, fully enjoyed by all of us in the room. Not a one judged him for it.

Why are we able to so easily see the tenderness, the important elements of selfhood at play when it’s a young child who hasn’t yet learned shame? Like, because he doesn’t know he’s supposed to be ashamed, then we don’t need/expect him to be, and so then he isn’t. At some point, we learned we are supposed to be ashamed (or at least very careful) of admiring our selves, and so we expect others to be the same and we judge them if they aren’t, and so it ends up we are all very careful and/or ashamed.

But of what exactly? Examining, admiring, getting to know our Selves?

Imagine if I were the one doing this at Thanksgiving, but the adult version. Reviewing and editing selfies on my phone, right in the middle of everyone. Looking at and admiring my own face where everyone in my family could see my self-absorption in real time. Sheesh, I’m getting hot and itchy just thinking about it. Obviously, I’ve looked at, critiqued, and edited selfies in my life… but never with anyone looking at me while I do it. There’s a built-in shame there that makes it taboo, at least for me.

Maybe there’s an adult version that’s more palatable, like your dad polishing a golf trophy and making sure it’s placed where everyone can see it or your sister wanting to show you her latest photoshoot highlight reel or your mom making sure all the family traditions are pulled out, dusted off, just right and ready to go.

Whether it’s via a photo of our face, or something we created or enjoyed, there’s a part of us that wants to show and tell. Because we like it or we’re proud AND because we want that community feedback, but for some reason it seems so much harder to be honest about it when it’s the photo of my face vs. the thing I made.

It’s not for my son. He is equally unembarrassed and excited about showing off his own cute face in a school photo as he is showing me the hundredth magnet tiles creation he’s made this week. When I’m struggling with this project and starting to feel cringey about sharing so much of my Self with you all, I’m going to close my eyes, remember this sweet photo of my boy, and try to channel his pure self-love. And maybe it’ll be precious, fully enjoyed by all of you in the room. I’m for sure going to pretend no one is judging me for it 😉

*This post and the last one are part of the pre-work necessary to get me going on The Project. Because this blog and this whole site feel like one giant selfie, I need to process some stuff and get it out of my brain so it isn’t stuck in there jamming up the writing flow.*